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“Sure a bitta’ rape never hurt anyone” says Nigerian President, on kidnapped girls

6 May 2014

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Nigeria’s President, Goodluck Jonathan, hit back yesterday at criticism that his government has been slow to act following the kidnapping of about 276 teenage girls by Boko Haram three weeks ago. “We’re not sure exactly how many have been taken” he said. “They’re not oil”. Muslim extremist group, Boko Haram (meaning “batshit” in the Hausa […]

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Ukrainian government goes full Orwell

22 January 2014

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“Do you think it’s too much?” queried Terry, by the photocopier. “Nah. It’ll bring a little levity to the situation. Send the text. It will be hilarious” replied Viktor, nursing a luke-warm coffee. Terry pushed the big red button. All over Kiev, people’s phones started to beep. Tens of thousands at the same time. Like […]

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Scientologists reduce Dublin drug crime by 85%, totally not making shit up

15 January 2014

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Oh, no. Wait. They kind of are. In a New Year’s celebration hosted by leader David Miscavige (don’t ask where his wife is, lol) Scientologists outlined how they have single-handedly eradicated drug crime in Dublin, out of the bullshit of their hearts. In a mind-numblingly boring video (below – from about 2:00 on) that gives […]

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Gun enthusiast and Painter, George Zimmerman, shows us how it’s done

20 December 2013

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Here at The Empty Shirt, we appreciate good public relations work and we certainly see it in noted killer, George Zimmerman’s latest campaign. Zimmerman, who was implicated in the shooting death of a 17-year-old in Florida last year, suffered a hit in his personal stock after the incident. He, like the best publicists in the […]

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Pilgrims complete religious devotion in “12 pubs” – one for each disciple

9 December 2013

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Thousands of pilgrims across the world have been pledging their devotion to Christ ahead of the Christmas season, in a devotion colloquially referred to as “12 Pubs”. Debate remains over the origins of the devotion, which sees Christians undertake a gruelling display of digestive agility while imbibing large amounts of water which has been turned […]

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Amnesty International left red-faced after criticising North Korean weight-loss camps

5 December 2013

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Amnesty International pushed the international community for comment and action this week after the release of a report in which they detailed what they claimed were human rights abuses in North Korean prison camps. This is despite how well the camp at the centre of their investigation, Yodok concentration camp (or Kwan-Li-So 15) is reviewed […]

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Ukraine and EU, a love story – as told by guest-writer, The Stoner Turtle

2 December 2013

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The citizens of Ukraine like really, really want to join the fun-fest that is the European Union because they hear there’s an opening for a  bunga-bunga party host now that Berlusconi is in time out. Like, they are crazy eager, man. EU’s pretty desperate for friends because he’s had a bunch of people bail on […]

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Toronto’s crackhead mayor vows to make Canada even more exciting

6 November 2013

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Toronto Mayor, Rob Ford, finally had his work making Canada a more exciting place to visit honoured this week, with his initiatives gaining international attention. Citing inspiration from the 2011 Vancouver hockey riots and Simpson’s character Mayor Quimby, Ford said that he wanted to use his position of power to change foreign perception of Canada […]

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Titanic Sinks (Again)

5 November 2013

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In a cruel twist of fate, the HMS Titanic shattered its “unsinkable” billing again this week as the Titanic Exhibition in Las Vegas closed due to water damage. Commentators have been sympathetic yet also openly impressed with the ship’s ability to sink in a desert this time. “She’s really upped her game” said one naval […]

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Tel Aviv airport fight labelled “misunderstanding” over pronunciation of the word “due”

1 November 2013

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The Irish Embassy in Tel Aviv reassured reporters last night that the highly publicised brawl involving an Irishman in Tel Aviv Airport earlier this week was a “misunderstanding which has been handled by the parties involved”. The furore broke out in the arrivals area of the airport when a local man returning home to Tel […]

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