“Sure a bitta’ rape never hurt anyone” says Nigerian President, on kidnapped girls

Written by Sarah Garvey

Topics: Africa News, World News

Nigeria’s President, Goodluck Jonathan, hit back yesterday at criticism that his government has been slow to act following the kidnapping of about 276 teenage girls by Boko Haram three weeks ago.

“We’re not sure exactly how many have been taken” he said. “They’re not oil”.

Muslim extremist group, Boko Haram (meaning “batshit” in the Hausa language) has claimed responsibility for the kidnappings.

“We got kind of bored waiting for the government to finally confirm it was us so we said we better own up” said Boko Haram spokesperson, Meesaw Jenny. Jenny then went on to quote Canadian pop star Avril Lavigne’s song, “Sk8r Boi”. (“Can I make it any more obvious?”).

The President’s announcement came amid protests led by the parents of the missing girls  and was an obvious attempt to quell anger directed towards the government.

“They’re grand, sure. We completely believe that the girls have not been harmed and are sitting around with Boko Haram operatives playing chess. Sure, Boko Haram have in the past had a few run-ins with exploding churches and shooting college students as they slept but is anyone perfect? These reports of rape and forced marriages and being removed from the country are pure speculation. Besides, sure a bitta’ rape never hurt anyone. The Nigerian government is fully committed to contacting other governments and discussing things with them. But you have to understand, there’s etiquette to this sort of thing. We have to be introduced by mutual acquaintances and then slowly build up to action. It’s kind of like Victorian England in that way”.

Relatives of the girls were said to be appeased by the statement, with one heard to remark:

“We’ve been too hasty with the protests. International diplomacy must come before the lives of these girls. There’s plenty more where they came from, anyway”.

To follow the latest Boko Haram chess progress, follow The Empty Shirt on Facebook.

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