US Government Shutdown – Congress tries turning it off and on again

Written by Sarah Garvey

Topics: US News

The United States Federal Government introduced a partial shutdown today for the first time since President Bill Clinton accidentally downloaded a virus when surfing “educational websites” on a government computer 17 years ago.

The shutdown is thought to be the first step in an effort to restart the  “Congress” sector, which has ceased to function.

“If we’ve learned anything from the IT Crowd, it’s that most problems can be fixed by turning it off  and on again” said a government spokesperson.

The reason for the shutdown was not immediately clear and many theories circulated online, such as the rumour that a dick-swinging contest in Washington had gotten out of hand and rendered several Republican Congressman exhausted and unable to do their jobs, were subsequently shot down.

Google was left red-faced as it celebrated the 123rd anniversary of the establishment of Yosemite National Park with a Google “Doodle” on the day it closed as part of the shutdown.

The remaining staff at the National Security Agency have asked citizens to remain calm and to keep a log of their online activity for the duration, to be submitted for analysis at a later time.

“We all need to pull together and spy on ourselves for a little while” said NSA Director, Gen. Keith Alexander.

Reports of furloughed FBI agents replacing Army Veterans on public transport and begging for “spare change or spare secrets” remain unconfirmed.

Meanwhile, pundits enquiring about allocating some of the “Bomb Syria” money to the crisis were refused comment, reporting hearing staff playing GTA V in the background when called.

“It sounded like the online version” said one.

Follow The Empty Shirt for the latest.

Leave a Comment Here's Your Chance to Be Heard!

Skip to toolbar