“We’re going to get away with this too”, says Catholic church on 796 dead children

The organisation which claims 84% membership in Ireland following the 2011 Census was defiant last night when faced with criticism regarding a mass grave of 796 children found on a site in Tuam, Co. Galway. “People are all up in arms at the moment about this cess pit thing” said a bishop who helped cover […]

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The Empty Shirt endorses Edvard Hund for Local Elections 2014

The Empty Shirt tries (and fails) to be apolitical most of the time but we would like to take this opportunity to put our support behind latecomer Edvard Hund, who is campaigning for the rights of dogs. We think you’ll agree that this is an issue ignored by most candidates and urge you to put […]

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“Sure a bitta’ rape never hurt anyone” says Nigerian President, on kidnapped girls

Nigeria’s President, Goodluck Jonathan, hit back yesterday at criticism that his government has been slow to act following the kidnapping of about 276 teenage girls by Boko Haram three weeks ago. “We’re not sure exactly how many have been taken” he said. “They’re not oil”. Muslim extremist group, Boko Haram (meaning “batshit” in the Hausa […]

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Irish Government to reinstate Magdalene Laundries for Good Friday 2015

  A government spokesperson announced plans to bring back their oft maligned “Magdalene Laundries” scheme during next year’s Easter period, on the back of the successful prohibition of the sale of alcohol on Good Friday. “This move will benefit parents everywhere”, said the spokesperson. “Nuns will arrive and take your children for the day. Parents […]

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DEAL OF THE WEEK – Gently Used Spaceship, Genuine reason for selling

This week’s deal comes to you courtesy of Stephen from Galway, and @Roisin_Sullivan. A gently used spaceship is available for sale in Galway. It’s a 2010 model and comes with Air conditioning AND electric windows. If that’s not a bargain, we don’t know what is. We contacted Stephen to enquire if the Senator is […]

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Clash of the Sinners

Tensions were high today in the National University of Ireland, Galway, as the Gardaí responded to an impromptu protest on campus. Four members of the increasingly controversial Christian Soc displayed poster boards in the halls of NUIG’s Concourse, which the general student population found offensive. The posters encouraged a “No” vote in an upcoming campus […]

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Irish Ukrainians, NOT RUSSIANS

For some reason, The Empty Shirt woke up this morning feeling oddly like an Irish Ukrainian. And certainly not like a stinking Commie Russian. The Shirt experienced a distinct urge to get rid of all the vodka and beetroot in the vicinity but overcame this insanity quickly. We don’t like to read into things too […]

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VIDEO – RTE apologises to the Iona Institute and Stephen Merchant

Following the recent controversy involving RTE’s “Saturday Night Show” and the illustrious Iona Institute, RTE has discovered it likes apologising for stuff. According to a source, plans are being set in motion to apologise for being mean to Larry Murphy during the time of his conviction. The Empty Shirt is committed to bringing our audience […]

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Ukrainian government goes full Orwell

“Do you think it’s too much?” queried Terry, by the photocopier. “Nah. It’ll bring a little levity to the situation. Send the text. It will be hilarious” replied Viktor, nursing a luke-warm coffee. Terry pushed the big red button. All over Kiev, people’s phones started to beep. Tens of thousands at the same time. Like […]

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Healy-Eames saving money yet again; uses Oireachtas funds and facilities to publicise Reform Alliance

We are no stranger to Senator Fidelma Healy-Eames’ knack for saving money here at The Empty Shirt. Today, we learned we should never take her skills for granted. There is always more you can do. Water down that milk. Cut open the toothpaste tube and scrape every bit of that toothpaste out. Use Seanad materials […]

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